I am writing in regard to your pouch chicken product. On the top, right hand corner of the package, it says "Easy to open, no drain package" Let me tell you this, that statement is a lie.
Perhaps you should change the punctuation in that blurb so it says "Easy to open. No, drain package." because there is chicken juice all over my office now. "No drain" I thought, "I'll just open this package and plop the contents on my soft flour tortilla" This turned out to be my biggest fallacy in some time as chicken juice and ploop just ran all over covering my desk.
At once, I finally realized the answer to an age old question. What came first, the chicken, or the egg? Well, I will tell you that the chicken came first because after this chickeny mess, there is egg all over my face. What fresh hell has been wrought on me by some angry, vengeful god to meet the misfortune of your splattery mess of a chicken pouch product. What can we do about this.
July 5, 2011
August 5, 2008
Comment Rewind: Julie Strain
Note: This email was originally sent on March 15, 2004. It was sent to the porn actress Julie Strain. The email itself explains the rest.
I was just passing through your website, looking at the pictures when a thought occured to me. It occured to me that you were married to Kevin Eastman, the creator of the one and only greatest mutant turtle cartoon series, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That is like, the most awesome thing ever. I was kindly wondering what it was like to be married to such a genius as Eastman. I mean, Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Raphael, and Donatello, that's just brilliant. Simply brilliant. It must be something else entirely to live with such an imaginative mind.
Also, while I was wading through your pictures, oogling at yout beaver and staring at your breasts, I wondered if you and Eastman, in a moment of passion, would ever dress up like the ninja turtles. I could see how this could be very arousing as the turtles slick, slimy skin would act as a lubricant and keep you moist as Eastman showed you what the real "secret of the ooze" is all about. I would assume that if Eastman would ever dress as a ninja turtle in order to make love, that it would be as Raphael. I think Raphael is the most sensual of all of the ninja turtles, and, after all red is a color of passion.
I, personally, was always fond of Donatello. He seemed to me to be the most intelligent of these "heros on a half shell" and he could work through many problems by just using his mind. I always thought that was really cool. Plus, he didn't need anything metal or sharp to fight with. All he ever needed was a good, sturdy stick and he could really handle that stick well, too. Though, sometimes he did seem like the group's bitch, he often saved the turtles in a clutch. When I was a small lad, I wanted to grow up to be just like him. However, I realized I was not a turtle, nor was I even green. I couldn't really even handle a stick that well. (though I learned later on in life. nudge nudge wink wink, you know, when I took martial arts classes at the YMCA)
I always thought Krang was the worst villian. He was like a little brain looking dude that was mostly kept in a jar, but sometimes he had this robot man suit which looked as if it could kick some serious ass. I'd frequently have nightmares about him which often caused me to wet the bed in sheer terror. I'm not sure if that's what your hubby was going for there, but if so, it worked.
I will now close with the lyrics to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle theme:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Heroes in a half-shell - Turtle Power
They’re the world’s most fearsome fighting teens (we're really hip)
They’re heroes in a half shell and they’re green, (hey! get a grip!)
When the evil Shredder attacks,
These turtles boys don't cut him no slack.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Splinter taught them to be ninja teens (he's a radical rat)
Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines (that's a fact chap)
Raphael is cool but crude, (gimme' a break)
Michaelangelo is a party dude (Hurray!!)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Heroes in a half shell,
Turtle power!
Thank you for the pictures of your boobies and hoo-ha,
Juan Carlos Calhoun
I was just passing through your website, looking at the pictures when a thought occured to me. It occured to me that you were married to Kevin Eastman, the creator of the one and only greatest mutant turtle cartoon series, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. That is like, the most awesome thing ever. I was kindly wondering what it was like to be married to such a genius as Eastman. I mean, Leonardo, Michaelangelo, Raphael, and Donatello, that's just brilliant. Simply brilliant. It must be something else entirely to live with such an imaginative mind.
Also, while I was wading through your pictures, oogling at yout beaver and staring at your breasts, I wondered if you and Eastman, in a moment of passion, would ever dress up like the ninja turtles. I could see how this could be very arousing as the turtles slick, slimy skin would act as a lubricant and keep you moist as Eastman showed you what the real "secret of the ooze" is all about. I would assume that if Eastman would ever dress as a ninja turtle in order to make love, that it would be as Raphael. I think Raphael is the most sensual of all of the ninja turtles, and, after all red is a color of passion.
I, personally, was always fond of Donatello. He seemed to me to be the most intelligent of these "heros on a half shell" and he could work through many problems by just using his mind. I always thought that was really cool. Plus, he didn't need anything metal or sharp to fight with. All he ever needed was a good, sturdy stick and he could really handle that stick well, too. Though, sometimes he did seem like the group's bitch, he often saved the turtles in a clutch. When I was a small lad, I wanted to grow up to be just like him. However, I realized I was not a turtle, nor was I even green. I couldn't really even handle a stick that well. (though I learned later on in life. nudge nudge wink wink, you know, when I took martial arts classes at the YMCA)
I always thought Krang was the worst villian. He was like a little brain looking dude that was mostly kept in a jar, but sometimes he had this robot man suit which looked as if it could kick some serious ass. I'd frequently have nightmares about him which often caused me to wet the bed in sheer terror. I'm not sure if that's what your hubby was going for there, but if so, it worked.
I will now close with the lyrics to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle theme:
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Heroes in a half-shell - Turtle Power
They’re the world’s most fearsome fighting teens (we're really hip)
They’re heroes in a half shell and they’re green, (hey! get a grip!)
When the evil Shredder attacks,
These turtles boys don't cut him no slack.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Splinter taught them to be ninja teens (he's a radical rat)
Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines (that's a fact chap)
Raphael is cool but crude, (gimme' a break)
Michaelangelo is a party dude (Hurray!!)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Heroes in a half shell,
Turtle power!
Thank you for the pictures of your boobies and hoo-ha,
Juan Carlos Calhoun
August 2, 2008
Comment Rewind: McDonald's
Note: This email was originally sent on Feb. 1, 2005. Shortly after McDonald's debuted a new web advertising campaign. "McDonald's: I'd Hit That." The campaign was ended abruptly. Enjoy.
I recently came across an advertisement for your double cheeseburgers on this website http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/simmons/index
and I must say that I was incredibly relieved when I saw it.
I am one of the few people who will openly admit that I engage in carnal pleasures with fast food. Seeing that McDonald's not only supports my lifestyle but also endorses it was great. It was like a huge weight was taken from my shoulders.
Normally people just shout at me "Hey, greasy wang" or "Go back to McDonaldland, sandwich humper" Now, I can finally hold my head up high, and shine. Shine like my mustard encrusted member in the brilliant light of morning.
In short, thank you McDonalds. Thank you so much. Now if only we could get congress to allow man/sandwich marriage, my life would be complete
I recently came across an advertisement for your double cheeseburgers on this website http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/simmons/index
and I must say that I was incredibly relieved when I saw it.
I am one of the few people who will openly admit that I engage in carnal pleasures with fast food. Seeing that McDonald's not only supports my lifestyle but also endorses it was great. It was like a huge weight was taken from my shoulders.
Normally people just shout at me "Hey, greasy wang" or "Go back to McDonaldland, sandwich humper" Now, I can finally hold my head up high, and shine. Shine like my mustard encrusted member in the brilliant light of morning.
In short, thank you McDonalds. Thank you so much. Now if only we could get congress to allow man/sandwich marriage, my life would be complete
July 23, 2008
Blue Diamond Almonds
Subject: Soy and Wasabi Almonds
Dear blue diamond,
I recently saw your blue diamond BOLD! soy and wasabi flavored almonds. Upon seeing them I thought to myself, oh, what a tasty treat; I like soy, I like wasabi and I like almonds so it is clearly a win, win, and win. I bought a can and took them home for my enjoyment. However, when I opened them up and had a few, I had a tasting experience which can only be compared to wet dog butt. After recoiling in horror for a moment, I looked at the ingredient list and saw the reason why. There was no wasabi in your soy and wasabi nuts. Instead it was more like "wazabi," much akin to imitation "krab" meat. That's right, it had horseradish in it. Horseradish is disguating and wasabi is awesome and I don't know if you at blue diamond realize this. Basically, blue diamond, what I'm saying is this, I'm not mad; I'm disappointed. Don't get me wrong, it most certainly was BOLD! but it was more like bold sweat from a fat man's butt crack. From where I am at this point, I will no longer purchase blue diamond almonds until you put real wasabi in the soy wasabi nuts, because as it stands right now, it is just another salty nut that I do not want in my mouth.
Yours in Christ,
Jon Calhoun
Dear blue diamond,
I recently saw your blue diamond BOLD! soy and wasabi flavored almonds. Upon seeing them I thought to myself, oh, what a tasty treat; I like soy, I like wasabi and I like almonds so it is clearly a win, win, and win. I bought a can and took them home for my enjoyment. However, when I opened them up and had a few, I had a tasting experience which can only be compared to wet dog butt. After recoiling in horror for a moment, I looked at the ingredient list and saw the reason why. There was no wasabi in your soy and wasabi nuts. Instead it was more like "wazabi," much akin to imitation "krab" meat. That's right, it had horseradish in it. Horseradish is disguating and wasabi is awesome and I don't know if you at blue diamond realize this. Basically, blue diamond, what I'm saying is this, I'm not mad; I'm disappointed. Don't get me wrong, it most certainly was BOLD! but it was more like bold sweat from a fat man's butt crack. From where I am at this point, I will no longer purchase blue diamond almonds until you put real wasabi in the soy wasabi nuts, because as it stands right now, it is just another salty nut that I do not want in my mouth.
Yours in Christ,
Jon Calhoun
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